**Please note, these truly are meant to be silly and funny, not serious, so please don't take them too literally!**
You suck! Why did you choose me? It's not like I chose a poor lifestyle and got very large and only ate crap food when you decided to bestow on me your everlasting gift! Give it up already and let yourself be cured! I would love to never see or hear from you again!
Hating you daily,
Dear not very smart dude in a different department at work,
Why do you and the other not very smart dude in your department send me these dumb emails? You decided that since I took over a certain process, suddenly it is not good enough even though it was good enough for MONTHS before I took it over. Why me? Why change it now? You are not very nice and make me feel like an idiot and as if I am doing something wrong, when if you fact you are the idiot(s). If you want the process changed, take it up with my manager.
Dear super mean, unfriendly manager of the not very smart dude who emails me,
You are even worse! What is your problem and how did you even get that job? You have no people skills, are rude beyond measure and should go live in a cave. And your hair is ugly.
Also much respect,
**Update - since I first typed out that open letter above - that manager is no longer with the company! Guess I wasn't the only one who thought those things about her!**
Dear rep who talked to me more than three months ago,
I am not your personal assistant. Quit calling me direct! I don't even work in the same department that I used to so you need to call them for help. I will continue to ignore you until you get the hint. I realize what I am doing is not the best customer service, but you will never learn otherwise.
Dear silly people in my old department who keep transferring the rep to me,
DO YOUR JOB! Quit transferring someone who you know you can help just because you are lazy. When I worked there, I'll be darned if I tried to pawn off someone that I knew I could help onto someone else. That is one of the first things they teach you - always offer to help before transferring. Apparently that rule doesn't apply to you two. Oh and ps, to the dumb guy in your same department who GAVE OUT MY EMAIL without asking me first, that is rude and unacceptable!!!
Dear cashier at (insert any store here),
Why do you look at me like I am a criminal when I hand you a stack of coupons? Since when is it a crime to want to save some dough? Also, why do you give me the most evil stare when I politely mention you skipped one of my coupons? I should be the one glaring at you since I gave you the coupon and you didn't scan it. I am not a bad person and I am not trying to annoy you. I just want to save money. Is that so bad? In fact, I try to make it as easy on you as possible by lining up my coupons and being organized and fast so people behind me in line don't get annoyed. Why do you still treat me like dirt? It hurts my feelings so you should stop.
Yours through thick and thin,
Dear lovely people who drink coffee at work,
If you drink coffee, MAKE MORE WHEN IT'S GONE! I swear I am the only person who makes it as it is ALWAYS out when I want some. Grrrrrr.