I want a new car....among other things

So in my last post I was complaining about how expensive the tires are for my car. I guess it would just be smarter to get a cheaper car that doesn't require such expensive tires on it. Right?

We have been talking about getting two new cars (or not new, but new to us) to have lower car payments and also better gas mileage. The Jeep has terrible gas mileage. I think on a good day it gets 15 miles per gallon. I have liked having it for this crappy weather but other than that both cars have not been my favorite.

I can't decide what I want to do for a new car or cars. Should we go with two really small really cheap cars to get by for a while or should be get one small somewhat cheap can and a small cheaper SUV? I am torn on what to do. The funny thing is, I am talking about this as if it is going to happen. I guess a lot of things would have to go right for us to even get one car, let alone two!

The situation is, we have two cars and two car payments and we would like to have lower payments. It's not that we will have no payments if we get different cars (obviously) but we think we might be able to reduce our car payments which will help us out in other areas.

I think several things will have to go right for us over the next few months but I will just have to wait and see what happens.

A whole lotta nothing

There is just nothing much new in our life right now. At least not much that is interesting. I suppose I will write anyway about the latest.

Xander is getting more and more mobile. He isn't walking all of the way yet but he is taking several steps at a time several times a day but hasn't walked more than a few feet at a time. He is getting more brave but isn't quite there yet. He also crawls super fast no and gets away from us in now time. He can crawl up the stairs faster than we can catch him and tries to go up the stairs to our upper level (which is about 8 steps) and I am terrified of him falling. It is fun to watch him go go go though!

Xander is also getting more verbal by the day. He babbles all of the time and it is fun to listen to him. He can say mama, and dada and sometimes imitates other words we say. He is getting better at waving and points all of the time. In the last few months he has changed so much and it's crazy to think about! I know he will continue to change but the last few months have been the most fun since he was born.

I am working and every Monday morning I debate not going to work and quitting my job or if there is a way for me to call in sick and not get fired. I miss being at home with my baby so much and it sucks. I keep hoping Todd gets his own store and we move or I can move on to a job within the company that I will enjoy more long term. I feel like I am in a funk and I need to get out of it somehow.

We have had three tires on our Maxima go flat in the last two years and I am getting pretty sick of it. The tires are $300 each and that is enough to annoy anyone. Todd has been driving on a donut (yes I admit it) for over a month (terrible for the car) because we simply have not had the money to buy a new tire. How pathetic is that? Sad. Beyond sad. The point of this story, though, is that Todd decided to research the tires and found out there are some MUCH cheaper tires that will fit the car just fine and still perform pretty well. How about $140 instead of $300??? Yeah, what the heck was I doing replacing the flat tires with $300 ones when I could have been replacing them with $140 tires? What is wrong with me? Lesson learned.

I feel like I have been learning a lot of life lessons recently. I feel like I have learned my lesson with every purchase I have ever made in life because it seems like they have gotten me to this point where I have to work full time instead of staying home with my little boy. We have made so many bad decisions in life and now we are paying the price. I just can't believe I wasn't smarter. All we can do is make better decisions going forward.

On a positive note, we have one last payment on my hospital bill and we are finally done with all payments for our medical bills from when Xander was born. Kinda sad it took 14 months to pay off, but we had crappy insurance and we had to pay more than $3500 out of pocket. Booooo.

I am starting to get worried about our Jeep because it is making awful noises. I think the reason for the noises is because of how cold it has been but the emergency break light is on all the time now even though I don't have the actual break on. I can't believe how bad it sounds some times but I am hoping it gets better as it gets warmer out.

I finally took the trees down today and put all the Christmas stuff away. I only didn't do it before now because all of the boxes were up in the attic and it is really hard to get up there so I had to wait until Todd had a weekend off to help me. Because of the holidays, this is the first weekend he had off so not only did we take the Christmas stuff down but we also got a LOT of other cleaning done today. I actually feel really accomplished. I still have some laundry to put away but overall, we have a much cleaner house.

I suppose that's about it for now. I have a pretty boring life but it is my life! What can I say? :)

Still not looking forward to it....

At least if I have to get a full time job, it would be nice to not have to go out and apply to a bunch of places. It is looking like I might not have to do that. I am trying to find a job within the last company I worked for. I have a friend who I used to work with who talked to my old boss and he said he is going to talk to HR about me possibly working there again. I would be grateful for help getting a job since I am afraid that I will have to. I really don't want to work at all, and certainly not full time, but as I said, I think I have to. I would rather work part time than full time but I don't think it will be enough to help us out. I feel a little better about this situation now than I did but I am still very sad about it.

Not looking forward to it.

Well, it appears as though this stay at home mama is no more. I think I am going to have to go back to work full time and I am heartbroken to say the least. The bills just keep coming and our income isn't changing. The medical bills are what's killing us. Just when I think we are done getting them, they keep coming. I just got a bill for $160 for vaccines for Xander. Isn't that supposed to be covered under preventative care? What am I even paying for insurance for? To say I am angry is an understatement. I am pretty certain that my son is not getting any more vaccines or I am going to try to negotiate with the doctor's office a cheaper price since we simply cannot afford $160 every time he gets shots (which, this early in his life, are frequent). I thought Todd would have his own store by now and I am pretty upset that he doesn't. I can't really blame him but I am mad that his company more or less promised he would have his own store by now. I know our income won't change dramatically when he gets his own store, but that combined with selling our house and finding a cheaper one the next time around should help us out quite a bit.

I have cried and cried and cried some more over this and as I said before, I am completely heartbroken over it. All I ever wanted was to be a stay at home mom and I was so excited when I got to do it. We didn't prepare or save enough money and now we are paying the price. Actually, Xander is paying the price. He is no longer going to get constant attention and I cringe just thinking of how he could be ignored at day care. I know my child is not the first and certainly won't be the last kid to go to day care, but I wanted so much to keep from having to send him there. I feel like I have failed as a mom and we have failed as parents in general. I think I resent other people who get to stay home because we have had so much crap happen in our lives that has set us back more financially. Just my medication alone every month is over $100. A lot of people don't have that. We have had more problems with our cars (which aren't even old), unexpected bills everywhere and I just keep wondering, why us? I know most people have felt that way at least at some point in their life but I have just about had it.

Low, low, low.

So, I am feeling low, as the title states.

My dream job has always been and will continue to be a stay at home mom. And that is what I am....for the time being at least. I feel like we are getting to a point financially where I can no longer stay home. I guess I always had this image in my head of the happy little stay at home mom/wife, cleaning, cooking and raising her child(ren) all the while her husband works hard all day, comes home to a clean house, a happy wife and child(ren) and dinner on the table. I learned pretty quick that this is not reality. But I also thought that as a stay at home mom I would rest in the the knowledge that my husband would take care of the money and I would take care of the house. It's not that Todd doesn't do everything he can to provide - he goes to work everyday, works hard, and will probably get him promotion pretty soon. The problem is we didn't prepare.

Xander was a surprise for us! We knew I could get pregnant at any time but we weren't planning on having a baby when we did. I was surprised and excited when I found out I was pregnant with Xander. Todd always knew that all I ever wanted was to stay at home once I had a baby. We knew that the time was coming, but I don't think we did what we needed to do to prepare for the huge financial shift that was about to take place. It is so cliche to say that hindsight is 20/20 - but there is a reason that saying exists!!! We have made so many mistakes in the past and while we learned from each one, it seems we still make them more than we should.

Looking over our "budget" tonight made me realize that after every single one of our fixed expenses - ones that there is NO wiggle room on, we have about $70 left every month for EVERYTHING else!! $70!!!! Who lives on $70 a month for gas, groceries, entertainment and unexpected expenses? No one, that's who! Not us that is for sure. So I realize month by month as I stay home, we are sinking further and further. Wow - if that is not a bummer - I don't know what is!

We talked about me getting a part time job, but I have more than one reservation regarding this. I know at this point it doesn't seem like much of an option, but here is why I don't want to work part time or at all.

1. I am still nursing Xander. Though I originally thought that I wouldn't nurse him much past 8 or 9 months anyway, I feel like if I had a part time job, I would have to either stop nursing all together or start pumping a lot more (which is not very fun). I guess I could find a way to make this work, but I wish I didn't have to.

2. Xander is growing and changing so fast that I can barely keep up now. I feel like even if I work part time, I am going to start missing a lot more. If I go back to work, I will work hours that are opposite of Todd so we never have to have a babysitter or daycare, but that means I will work evenings and weekends. It will break my heart to not get to put my baby to bed every night. I know if I work evenings that Todd will have to give Xander his last feeding of the day and put him down.

3. I am not sure that working part time will really help us much at all financially so I am hesitant to do it. I guess if it gave us even $100 more a month, then that would help, but I am still stuck with the idea that if I am a stay at home mom, I shouldn't have to work at all, not even part time. I guess to me it feels like if I have to work part time, I might as well work full time. I know that is silly, but I am an all or nothing type of person with most things.

4. I think it will be a bit insulting to have to take minimum wage for a part time job. I have a feeling that most of the jobs I would be "qualified" for would pay minimum or barely more. Having left a job where I made almost $19/hour before I had Xander and going down to minimum wage is like a slap in the face. I know it is part time, but I also know that I would be capable of doing a highly skilled job, if only a company would offer part time work for that type of job.

5. I feel like I don't see my husband that much as it is! If I get a part time job, I will probably see him all of 1/2 hour most weekdays and a few hours on the weekends. The idea makes me sick to my stomach. How are we ever going to have time for us or time to relax together? We won't.

So, all of that being said, I don't think it is an option at this point. I have also been thinking about how bad it would really be to go back to work full time. The LAST thing I want is to put my son in daycare, but so many people do it everyday. Is it really that bad? I think for me the answer is yes. Not because I am opposed to daycare in and of itself, but because I am stuck mentally thinking that I would never have to put my child(ren) in daycare EVER. I think that is part of my problem - the ideals and ideas I have about how life should be get in the way of reality all too often.

So what's a mother to do? The overall financial well being of our family is important and at this point, I will do what I have to do. Todd has talked about getting a part time job, but that is so unfair and I would never ask him or want him to do that. As it is, he only sees his son for a few hours each day....he would be down to maybe 5 hours a week if he took a part time job!

I seem to think that if Todd gets his own store (which I thought he would have by now) all of our problems will go away. That is certainly not the case, but I am sure that it would help in a few areas. First, we are stuck with this house until we move. We could sell the house now and rent for a while to reduce our housing cost, but we don't want to have to do that not knowing when Todd will get his own store. We don't want to get into a lease somewhere and have to break it after a month or two and don't want to pay a large security deposit and lose that because we moved so soon. Once we move and sell this house, this will be one of the biggest fixed expense items we can change. Though it is not ideal to rent in my book, we can do that for a while until we can find a house in our price range and until we feel better financially. The second way him getting his own store will help is the obvious - he will make more money. And the third way it would help is with our cars. We also feel stuck with our cars and their payments now and don't want to make any changes on these until we know where we are going and when. This all ties into our credit score and trying to get a house. We want to make sure we make the right financial decisions at the right time to avoid paying higher interest rates on a house and cars (if our credit is bad then they will charge higher interest - or worse, we could get denied a loan at all).

We have already cut back on as many things as we can think of - no gym membership, no home phone, no internet and we are about to cut the cable. We need at least one phone - Todd has to have it for work and we have to pay a large fee if we get out of our cell phone contract early, so that is something we can't get rid of. We can't get rid of our insurance, our cars (we owe more than they are worth), electricity, water or heat. We have though of just about everything it seems and it is still not enough.

Sometimes I wonder why I am not rich, why my parents aren't rich or why I didn't get a great job right out of college (I guess you have to graduate college first). Why are some people rich? I know that some people had to work for their money, but there are some people out there that basically inherited a rich life. Though they work, their parents are always able to help them out with everything and since everything in their life was paid for up until they graduated college, they never had a single penny of debt and already had a bunch of things they may have gone out and bought themselves. So what do they do with that extra money that they didn't have to spend? They can save it, buy a bigger house, a nicer car, a fancier watch, go on nicer vacations. Basically they can breathe. Don't get me wrong. I do not want to be rich. Sure it would be nice, but that has never been my goal in life. In fact, if I could do, see or have many things, being rich overall would be low on the list. I think all I ever wanted was just to feel secure financially. To me that means being able to pay every bill every month and not having to worry about if there will be enough left to get groceries or gas or a gift for your nephew's first birthday.

So, the only way to get where I want to be is to change. Change is easier said than done. We have made changes, but they aren't enough. What will be enough? What can we do? Those are the questions that are stuck in my head. Until I figure them out, life will be tough and I will be feeling low.

Jan. 22, 2009

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I haven't written anything for a while! So here is what is new with me. Todd and I decided to start selling stuff on ebay because we could use the extra money now that I am staying home. We also could stand to unload some of our junk so I decided to go ahead and see what we could sell. So far so good! The first thing we decided to sell is a bunch of our old dvd's. We sold almost all of the ones we listed and now I just have to run to the post office tomorrow and ship them all out!

Xander has been sleeping 6-7 hours pretty much every night now and some nights sleeps close to eight hours in a row! We are loving it and feel so blessed that the little guy learned to sleep through the night at such an early age. He has been doing this since about 7 weeks and is 9 weeks tomorrow! Also, we are lucky because he is not a fussy baby and cries very little. Also, he doesn't spit up at all! That is a great one - I love to stay clean while caring for him. He is learning that he has saliva now and is playing with spit bubbles but that is mininal mess. :)

Xander also had his 2 month doctor visit yesterday and got his first shots. He did pretty good, though it was heartbreaking to hear him cry after those shots - I don't think he has ever cried that hard! :( But the doctor said he would either be fussy that day or he would sleep it off and he chose the latter, lucky for us! Then he went on to sleep about 8 hours last night! We are SO lucky! He weighed in at 12 lbs, 11 oz and is now 22 1/2 inches long. I thought he would still be in he 11 pound range but Todd was sure he was over 12 so he won that bet. I don't like seeing my baby in pain so that was not super fun but I know shots are necessary.

I am waiting around at home every day thinking Todd is going to call one of these days from work and let me know that he is getting his own store. I know it may not still be for a couple of months, but I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the chance that it could be soon. I have been saving newspapers accordingly for packing stuff when we move. It makes me really nervous to move, not because I don't want to sell our home or because I don't want to move far away, but because it is going to take so long to pack up all of the stuff we have accumulated since moving into our house! With a baby to care for, I swear it is going to take twice as long as it would normally. Also, moving means I have to do tons of deep cleaning so we can show the house and cleaning isn't my strong point! :)

We filled out our federal tax return info but haven't submitted it yet. So far we have an amazing return amount coming our way for federal and still have to work on state. I guess having a baby was worth it when it came to taxes. Haha!

I have recovered well from my c-section and started working out this week. I have worked out three times in four days and am pretty proud of myself so far! I plan on losing this baby weight and then some if it kills me! I haven't eaten great everyday but am working on that also. It is amazing how different my body is after having a baby and how much strength I lost after being on bed rest for a few months. I used to be pretty strong and plan on getting that way again through steady exercise. I am also adding weights into my routine to build back up my muscle cause that baby boy of mine is only going to get heavier and harder to carry around!!

I have recently become more obsessed with clipping coupons! I already had clipped them for the last couple of years but recently I am all about using coupons to save money! If I can get a great deal on an item, it makes me super excited. The other day I was able to buy an item that was $1.09 for $0.09 because I had a $1 off coupon. How great is that? I am going to keep trying to find ways to save money since I am staying home now.
Here are a few recent pictures of the love of our lives - little Xander!!

Dec. 30, 2008

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Ok ok, I stole the cheesy title from a movie. So here is my dilemma. My boss wants me to come back to work. I want to be a stay at home mom. I had my mind made up that I was going to be a stay at home mom long before I ever had a baby. It's not that my boss or a little money could make me change my mind, but I went to work today to visit everyone and bring Xander in. My boss gave me my review paperwork when I was there and since I have been off on maternity leave, I was given quite the raise. I thought I made good money before but when he showed me how much I would make if I came back to work, it surprised me quite a bit. So there you have it - my dilemma is love (my amazing son) or money (going back to work). I do feel like I have to choose between the two because if I go back to work, I will see so little of my little boy. If I stay at home with him, I get to spend all the time I want with him but I will not be making money. I don't think it is much of a dilemma since I still don't plan on going back to work at all regardless of how much money they offer me. But in general, if I didn't have a baby I would be very happy to make that amount of money at work. I am not a greedy person, that is why I won't choose the money over my son. I guess saving money by cutting coupons and shopping sales will just have to be the best I can do to contribute to the household finances from now on!

Jan. 19, 2008

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How important is money in life? Is it everything? Is it not important at all? I struggle with that all of the time. Most people, myself included, would say it is nice to have money and to not have to worry about not having enough. But it seems like some people have become so obsessed with money that they will do just about anything to have more. The perfect example of this for me is mothers who work. All I have ever wanted is to have kids and be a stay at home mom. Granted, I don't have children yet, so that is not something I am currently doing. It is, however, my ultimate goal. I realize the importance of being a stay-at-home mom after growing up with my mom always at home and seeing how other kids turned out who did not have a mom that stayed at home with them. I don't feel like working to make more money will make me happier.....especially at the expense of my future child or children. I am willing to live my life down a notch from where I am now. It is nice to have two newer cars and a decent sized house and to be able to afford nice things. But material possessions are not enough to make me work after I have children. I am ok with having last years clothes or a car that is more than 2 years old! I just don't get it.

I am not saying that if something were to happen to my husband or our finances that I wouldn't get a part time job to help out. I am simply saying I don't feel money is worth the sacrifice you make of not having that special family time, of bonding with your children as they grow. I do not want a day care to raise my children. I realize it is a big responsibility to raise my children the "right" way, but any sacrifice will be worth it.

I suppose what brings this all up is the fact that I have been working a large amount of over-time at my job. Sure, the paycheck is nice, but I always wonder if giving up my free time is worth it. I have been working so much out of necessity to perform my job well, not the motivation of a larger paycheck. I guess just stepping back and thinking about my life and my current job makes me wonder if the extra money will be hard to give up. I'd like to say it won't, but only time will tell.

The other struggle I have with the work/money situation is that I just got promoted. I applied for a job recently and was offered it along with a decent raise. I come to work everyday on time, ready to work hard. I learn fast, don't waste time and have obviously excelled at my job. I have been promoted twice in the last year. I don't want to mislead my employer by letting them think I plan to work for this company indefinitely. I will quit when my husband is promoted and we move or when I get pregnant. That is a struggle for me. I feel like maybe I am taking a good job away from someone else who does plan on having a long career with this company. At the same time, I work hard and am glad I was able to move up in the company. But again, it makes me realize I can't rely too much on my income as we won't have it forever. I am a lucky person because I really enjoy my job and the company I work for is great. I suppose for now, I will just keep doing what I am doing and be happy with my life as it is.