Monday, January 18, 2010

I'm not as sad as I seem


So I have to come to find out that some of my recent posts might be a little too depressing and make me sound like I am unhappy about everything.

I think I need to clarify. Oh and just a warning, this could be long. Very long. :)

First of all, I realize the importance of having gratitude and being thankful and positive. My mom always made us write thank you notes and say thank you for everything growing up. I am by nature a grateful person.

I guess by reading my blog people might think I am an unhappy person who just complains a lot. In real life - I am not 'that girl'. At least not most of the time. (Hey, everyone has their bad days, right?)

It seems I have been more of 'that girl' recently. I have been down lately about things going on in our life. I guess I sometimes do feel like things have been unfair and I have wondered 'why me?' more than once.

You see, it all started with the birth of my son. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom for as long as I can remember. When I got pregnant with Xander, my husband and I talked about how I would stay home. The problem is, we didn't plan for it. At all. In other words, we really didn't save our money or spend smartly like we should have. So after 11 months, I went back to work.

I think this is the main source of my sadness. As I said, all I ever wanted was to be a stay at home mom. It is like having your dreams shattered. I cry about it. Often. Think about it this way - imagine all you ever wanted was to be a nurse. You went to school, put in your time learning and then there are no jobs. Anywhere. Ever. That is what it feels like to me. I know I don't 'deserve' to stay at home with my son but I miss him so much every day it hurts.

The other thing that makes me complain more than I would like to is my actual job, not just the fact that I have to work at it. The job I am doing is not something I would like to do long term. The job is ok, but I feel like it is not a job that I want to do much longer. I am not complaining about the job because I should be grateful to have a job (I know I know) but I also know realistically the job I am doing now will not make me happy and will not fulfill me if I have to stay working permanently.

So on to the positive.

I am so thankful that I have an amazing husband. Taking him for granted is one of the worst things I can do and I think I sometimes do it. He is hard working and smart and kind and a great father. He works so hard at his job - he has literally called in sick twice in the last 2-3 years. He is dedicated and always puts in extra time at his job (which I sometimes wish he wouldn't so we could see him more). I have to remember he could be so much worse - a drug addict or an alcoholic or someone who is not there for me and my baby.

I am so thankful for my little man too. He is so sweet and he has been so healthy since he was born. He did have jaundice right after he was born but other than that he has been pretty healthy. Every time I see a story about a little kid with cancer or something else it makes me sad but also very thankful for the health of my little boy. He is such a joy to watch and be around and I love him more than words can say. I can't imagine life without him and wouldn't give him up for anything in he world.

I am thankful for my health (and I use that term loosely because I am diabetic and am overweight - but I don't have cancer or anything like that). I am thankful for my parents and my siblings and my in laws too. I could have a strange or dysfunctional family. I have a great family and am very thankful.

I am thankful we have a roof over our head. Our house is not falling apart and though we could stand to do some things to it, it is overall a nice house.

We have two cars that are running (for now) and they get us where we need to go.

Ok so now that I talked about some things I am thankful for, I want you to know something you would never know unless you worked with me.

If I ask for help on something at work and you help me I will thank you every way I can. I probably will say thanks at least 3 times because that is how I am. I don't like confrontation and I want people to know that I am grateful and not rude or ungrateful. I make sure to say thanks every time and try to keep a positive attitude at all times. Or at least to most people and most of the time. It is sad that I can take out my frustrations on my family and friends that are closest to me.

So in summary, I am sad and sometimes mad but I am going to work hard at being more positive and happy. Not because anyone tells me I should but because I know I should and because I want to be happy and I want to try and be positive. All I do is drag myself down and sometimes those around me when I have a negative attitude. I do think right now is harder for me because of the season (winter always gives me the blahs - as diagnosed by Travel & Dive Girl) and also because of other circumstances in my life. But, I think this year could be a good year if I believe it will be and if I make good choices. I think that is my goal this year. Make better choices and try to be happier.

There you have it. Take from it what you will. I will try to be more positive - after all, the title of my blog is 'our happy life' and gosh darn it, we do have a happy life! Oh and one last thing, I realize my thoughts are very random and don't always go in order but that is just how my mind works! :)

2 comments on "I'm not as sad as I seem"

Sharon on January 19, 2010 at 10:02 PM said...

Xander is getting so BIG! I love the picture in your header.

Hang in there with your new job. Perhaps you can start doing the "planning" now so that you would be able to stay home? Dave Ramsey definitely has great resources on that.

(and I get the winter blahs too!)

Travel & Dive Girl on January 20, 2010 at 11:29 AM said...

I don't think you're sad or unhappy, I just think you're normal. Don't apologize for that.

Believe me we've all had the same feelings are you are having right now and some days are good and some days just suck. It's just a way of life.

Your blog is a means of venting off the bad days and sharing the good days and we are here to listen - like old friends. We aren't here to judge you - at least I'm not because I understand where you are coming from. "Been there, done that, will be there again.." *smiles*

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